The Art of Forgiving Those Who Were Toxic and Abusive: A Path to Healing and Liberation

Forgiveness is a deeply personal and transformative practice, but when it comes to forgiving those who have been toxic or abusive, the process becomes much more complex. For many, the idea of forgiveness in such situations feels impossible, or even unjust. How can you forgive someone who has caused you harm—sometimes in ways that are profound and lasting? Does forgiveness mean excusing their behavior or letting them off the hook? The answer is no. In fact, forgiving toxic and abusive individuals is one of the most powerful steps you can take in reclaiming your life and your peace. It’s not about them—it’s about you.

Understanding What Forgiveness Truly Means

Forgiveness is often misunderstood. It’s not about forgetting the harm that was done, nor is it about condoning toxic or abusive behavior. Instead, true forgiveness is an act of emotional liberation. It’s the conscious decision to release the hold that anger, bitterness, or resentment has on your heart. When someone has wronged us—especially in harmful, abusive, or toxic ways—they often leave behind deep emotional wounds. Holding on to anger and resentment keeps us emotionally tied to them, even long after the relationship has ended. Forgiving doesn’t mean you forget, it doesn’t mean you reconcile, and it certainly doesn’t mean you allow the same behavior to continue. Forgiveness, in this context, is about freeing yourself from the grip of past pain. It is an act of healing, not for them, but for you.

Forgiving a toxic or abusive person allows you to take back your power. When we harbor unresolved anger or hatred, we remain emotionally tethered to that person and the past they’ve created for us. Forgiveness is the tool that severs those ties and allows us to move forward. It’s a process of accepting that while the past cannot be changed, we can choose how it affects us moving forward. Forgiveness gives us the emotional space to heal, to grow, and to step into a life that’s no longer defined by the toxicity or abuse that has hurt us. It’s about reclaiming your sense of worth, agency, and emotional freedom.

Forgiveness is for You, Not Them

One of the biggest misconceptions about forgiveness is that it benefits the person who hurt you. This is simply not the case. When it comes to forgiving toxic and abusive individuals, the act of forgiveness is primarily for your own healing and well-being. Toxic people often live in their own world, unaware or unconcerned with the pain they cause. They may never apologize, and they may never acknowledge the harm they've done. And that's okay, because forgiveness doesn’t require their validation or acknowledgment. In fact, you don’t need them to participate in your healing at all. You are not forgiving them for their benefit, but for yours.

In forgiving someone who was toxic or abusive, you stop giving them the power to control your emotions. By holding on to anger, resentment, or hatred, you are allowing them to continue affecting your emotional state, even if they are no longer in your life. Forgiveness is about stopping that cycle. It’s about saying, "I will not let your actions define my peace or my future." The freedom that comes with forgiveness is invaluable—it allows you to reclaim your energy, your peace, and your focus. It’s a gift you give to yourself, not because they deserve it, but because you deserve to be free from the emotional burden they imposed on you.

The Role of Boundaries in Forgiveness

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you must allow the toxic person back into your life. In fact, setting boundaries is essential to both forgiveness and emotional healing. Toxic and abusive individuals often thrive when they can continue to manipulate or control others. Forgiving them does not require that you re-enter or maintain a relationship with them. It’s possible—and often necessary—to forgive from a distance. Boundaries allow you to protect yourself while still moving forward in the direction of healing.

Establishing boundaries can be one of the most powerful ways to protect your mental and emotional health. They communicate to the world that you respect yourself enough to not tolerate harmful behavior. By setting these limits, you send a clear message: You will no longer accept mistreatment, and you are no longer available to be hurt. These boundaries are not walls of anger; they are gates of self-respect. Forgiveness may allow you to release the emotional grip of resentment, but boundaries protect you from future harm and ensure that you are taking care of yourself moving forward.

Rebuilding Your Self-Worth and Learning to Love Yourself

One of the most painful effects of toxic and abusive relationships is the damage they can do to your self-esteem and sense of worth. Toxic people often manipulate, belittle, or degrade others, leaving them questioning their value or ability to trust themselves. Forgiveness, in this case, is not just about releasing the other person’s hold over you, but also about reconnecting with your own sense of self-worth. It’s a step toward healing the deep wounds caused by abuse, and a powerful act of self-love.

To truly heal and move forward, you must actively work on rebuilding your self-love. This means affirming your worth, setting healthy boundaries, and nurturing your inner strength. It’s about understanding that you are deserving of love, respect, and kindness. Rebuilding your sense of self-worth takes time, patience, and effort, but it is entirely possible. Start by practicing self-compassion and being kind to yourself as you heal. Recognize that you are not defined by the toxic people in your past; you are defined by your own resilience and ability to rise above pain. Through forgiveness and self-love, you can learn to trust yourself again and embrace the person you truly are—worthy, strong, and deserving of a future free from abuse.

The Healing Process

Forgiveness is a process, not a one-time event. It’s normal to feel a range of emotions—anger, sadness, even confusion—along the way. Healing is rarely linear. There may be moments when you feel like you’ve made great progress, followed by moments when the past resurfaces. This is part of the process, and it’s important to be patient with yourself. Forgiveness doesn’t happen overnight, and that’s okay. What matters is your commitment to the process of healing. With time, support, and self-care, you will begin to notice the profound shift in your emotional landscape.

As you work through forgiveness, be sure to engage in practices that nurture your emotional health. This could include therapy, journaling, meditation, or spending time with supportive people who respect and care for you. Trust that as you release the toxicity of the past and learn to forgive, you will create space for new growth, peace, and self-love. The more you practice forgiveness—whether toward others or yourself—the more natural it will become, and the lighter your heart will feel.

Conclusion: Forgiveness is Freedom

Forgiving those who have been toxic or abusive is a radical act of self-liberation. It is not about excusing their actions, nor does it mean they are no longer accountable for the harm they've caused. Forgiveness is about you—the decision to free yourself from emotional bondage and to reclaim your peace. It’s about accepting that you cannot change the past, but you can shape your future. It’s an ongoing process, one that requires patience, self-compassion, and courage. But as you work through this journey of forgiveness, you’ll begin to feel the weight lift off your shoulders, and you will step into a life that’s no longer defined by pain, but by healing, strength, and a deep sense of self-worth. The art of forgiving those who were toxic or abusive is ultimately about choosing freedom and allowing yourself the gift of emotional peace. And in the process, you will learn that you are worthy of love—not just from others, but from yourself.